Planetpartytime

Solarbabies (1986)

“Odd name for a skateball team ‘Solarbabies….”

No fucking shit. Works even better as a goddamn movie title.You can always tell you’re in the midst of a quality cinematic experience when the fate of the world rests on the axles of a fucking roller skater. Let alone a team of roller skaters with headlights.

And speaking of the creamy roller skating center of this film and it’s obvious similarity to ‘Rollerball’ there really is nothing original about this film at fucking all.

The music is all stolen from Beverly Hills Cop, the characters are all ripped off of the Burger King Kids Club and the dialogue at certain points is lifted straight from the Brian DePalma film,  ‘Casualties of War.”

Don’t believe me? I don’t give a shit cause I heard the guy that played “Metron” jacked off on your sister. BAMP motherfucker. Yeah “Rabbit” told me that shit at the ‘Five and Dime’ when we beat the shit out of ‘Jack and Diane.’

So the skating blows, the plot is hippie bullshit and three people died during the shooting of this film. Yet somehow the film lives.

Seriously, I had never heard of this film and last week it showed up in my mailbox wrapped in brown paper with a little bit of blood splatter on the inside cover. I thought it was going to be one of those local business coupon books and it wasn’t so I threw the DVD out in the street and walked inside. The next day it was back in my mailbox perfectly wrapped. Well I did what anyone would do when confronted with evil spirits and lit the package on fire an sure as shit the next day it was back again. From this I can only assume watching ‘Solarbabies’ is some kind of punishment for things I’ve done in the past and I can now say without a doubt I am very very sorry.

So where does this piece of shit take place you say…?

The future.

Not the internet, ipod, advanced technology future. No this is more the ‘let’s just cover everything we already have in plastic and neon’ future. The Schumacher future. An asshole’s version of Huxley where the waters of the wasteland are controlled solely by the evil E-Protectorate. Though they sound like a kind of hemorrhoid cream they’re actually  just Daft Punk clones ordered around by a gay nazi and Leona Helmsley.

And check out this guy…….

Basically he’s got to get this glowing bullshit back home to the moon before the sun rises.

If not everything turns magic……

….and the Solarbabies are sold into slavery.

If you like to know more about this film ask your father who will give you the talk about ‘Solarbabies’ when you’re ready but I’m not you’re fucking dad so don’t expect me to do it. Want a better closing? How about Doberman’s with flash lights strapped to their heads?