Planetpartytime

Remember the ‘Nintendo Entertainment System’ ?

Did video games ever get any better than that?

We’ll leave that to the scholars and pixel scientists of the world to decide.

There is one thing the whole damn planet can agree on- that first 8bit -actually 4bit- spin off was more of a whopping tumor than that short lived ABC drama about the guy who raped animals to solve crimes. Of course we are speaking of the ‘Gameboy.’ The most expensive and offensive hunk of plastic ever cruelly enforced on the hapless American public. What other entertainment device has a higher body count than the Gameboy? From 1989 to this day more and more children and fat adults are succumbing to blindness, seizures and illiteracy all because of this monstrosity. To add insult to injury- Gameboy has always been Nintendo’s loose canon when it comes to releasing controversial and frankly inappropriate games for movie tie-ins. Don’t believe me? Well let’s just see what movie related RPGs the kiddies could get their hands on back in the 8bit black and white days……..

1. ‘Eraserhead’ (1989 -Nintendo of America)

-Rumor has it that a major reason for the five year production period shooting the film was due to director David Lynch’s insistence on a massive video game tie in with the Atari 2600. Failing to seal the deal that nearly drove both parties into bankruptcy Lynch opted later to sell his RPG to the good people of Nintendo years later. Supposedly created as a launch title for the new Gameboy platform Nintendo pulled the plug after a mere two weeks in response to concerned parent groups, a Wal-mart boycott and a senate investigation.

So what was it that got peoples panties in such a bunch? Despite our initial suspicions it was not the fact Mary X was not a playable character or the sub par ‘Chicken diner’ mini game. Our experts suspect it was this climactic battle scene with the last boss…..

Make it through the game and you are rewarded with- well a frankly above par ending for an early Gameboy title…..

Truth be told this game is leaps and bounds better than that piece of shit we got sliding in (ironically enough) at number two.

2. ‘Terms of Enderment’ (1991 Turbaz games)

-Really there is not much to say about this one. It’s brief. It’s boring and to top it all off you have to play as the two kids Teddy and Tommy. Who doesn’t want to play through 6 exciting stages of neglect, confusion and the sexual advances of a creepy astronaut?

It’s pretty obvious the makers of the game never saw the film which actually explains a little bit about why it is Jack Nicholson’s character is trying to sleep with the boys throughout the game. This game does hold a little ‘cred’ for being one of the biggest catalysts for the subsequent rating system for video games released in the U.S. The director of the title, a Mr. J. ‘Percy’ Timmons even later admitted to making the decision to combine Shirley Mclaine’s character with the boys simply to save time for a rushed release. Presumably he never suspected the game would go triple platinum in weeks and make Turbaz games one of the biggest and most hated publishers in the world.

Complete the game and you are rewarded with your mother……dying……..of cancer. Enjoy!

3. ‘Do the Right Thing’ (1990 Taico)

-Like ‘Terms of Endearment’ this game does hold a little underground chunk of gaming history because it was the very first game to ever have two alternate endings. It was also the first game to end on a total downer oddly enough.

You play as ‘Mookie’ in a pretty standard RPG.

You deliver pizzas and run around talking to people and solving problems around the neighborhood.

It’s actually a lot like the third act of ‘Shenmue’ until you get to real meat and potatoes of the game.

Struggling to match the same levels of frenzy and complexity of the movie the game designers opted to drastically polarize the characters in order to create more linear style of gameplay.

The rest sort of writes itself from that point in the game.

It is a little strange to see a game with two alternate sad endings.

Apparently the game determines weather or not you get the ‘less sad’ ending based on weather or not you stopped to listen to Smiley in the first act.

Hard to imagine this game would even exist based on the gritty and uncomfortable subject matter of the film -however Taico decided to take a gamble and release the title anyway shortly after receiving the rights to use their midi version of Public Enemy’s, “Fight the Power”.

Check us out next time when we will take a look inside the world of obscure movie tie-ins for the Sega Genesis!

I hate this cunt.

In fact all of us here at Planet Party Time hate this cunt. Even our fiscally conservative brothers have admitted (over a few highballs) that they would murder a six month old baby just to get a chance to rape Sarah Palin to death while beating her head in with a crowbar. My version has a (purple) telletubbie costume and of course her whole family watching with a crowd of oVER SIXTY THOUSAND PEOPLE!!!! LIVE FROM MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!!!!

Ah-hem….but I digress. Where were we then? Ah yes. Hatred. A hatred that has brought us back to our roots in the field of journalism. True ‘gotcha’ journalism. Think something between Inside Edition and that reality show Bobby Brown did with the villainess from ‘A View To a Kill.’ We’re just fucking with you- we know Dikembe Mutombo’s name is Grace Jones! Who do you think we are anyways?!

In the realm of journalism there are certain methods of execution ranging from petty bribery to full on public executions and loan sharking. Anderson Cooper himself has even publicly admitted in a 2007 interview with editor of Cheri magazine Dirk Camsten Sr. to threatening guests and perspective guests with knives, glass and even heated scraps of metal. We here at Planet Party Time prefer to use every available means we have to bring you the most accurate information possible in all of our investigations.

…..and with that I present the ‘Five Unknown Facts about Sarah Palin’

1. Sarah Palin hates Jesus.
In an October 2004 interview with Pulitzer Prize winning reporter and sado-masochist photographer Robert Mapplethorpe she was quoted as saying, ” I would murder a six month old baby to get a chance to simultaneously rape and savagely bludgeon Jesus Christ over the head and face with a crowbar. I don’t know if I’d need a time machine car and Christopher Lloyd to do that but If I could…you betcha I would!”

2. Sarah Palin hates kids.
There is strong evidence to suggest that in mid 1990s there was an altercation that resulted in the death of a 17 year old high school quarterback named Trent Stemarshall and the then mayor of Wasilla; Sarah Palin. The event happened at a screening of the Wes Craven film, Scream 2 in April of 1997. Eyewitness accounts tell a varied story of a domestic dispute over forced oral sex in a crowded theater, while other accounts describe an altercation over the quality of oral sex in a crowded theater. Regardless of the account all witnesses identified former city council member Sarah Palin and then body guard Clem ‘Dutch’ Boseman remove Trent with force hours before authorities found the body at a Krispy Kreme dumpster just moments away from the mayor’s favorite theater. Due to the nature of the crime Stemarshall was identified by the remains of his truly….massive……penis. I MEANT DENTAL RECORDS!….his dental records which revealed none other than a cocktail of pubic hairs belonging to the city officials of Wasilla, Alaska.

3. She is against Public Broadcasting.
During a recent event and fund raiser for popular NPR hosts of Car Talk and This American Life, Sarah Palin was spotted handing out a sizable amount of literature for major cable, radio and internet companies. When confronted by security Palin and her entourage spit, clawed and smacked attendees including This American Life host, Ira Glass, while shouting protest inspired slogans for Comcast cable services and Sirius satellite radio.

4. Sarah Palin hates animals.
During a fund raising event in the last presidential election then governor Palin was spotted feeding Beluga caviar and Bollinger champagne to former Kentucky Derby winner , ‘Daddy’s Little Toe’ moments before his subsequent death.

5. Sarah Palin supports a Nigerian witch doctors that sponsors the torture and murder of wrongly accused African women.
…..that ones actually true. Apologies.

My cousin goes to film school at USC. He’s really overworked and recently he fell totally behind in his ‘Belgians in Cinema’ class with Professor Tuscadero. Knowing I’m a huge fan of international film he kindly asked me to give him the cliff notes for ‘Double Impact’- a film written, directed, produced, costumed, and catered by the great film icon, Jean Claude Van……………..Damme. A lot of people will tell you it’s a film about two estranged brothers and their fight for vengeance…those people are what we here at Planet Party Time like to call retarded. Read the subtext people- dig the metaphor- ride the vibe and enjoy the cultural review of Western nuance through the eyes of a muscled cocaine addict and absorb the chronicals of  black…..silk…….ahn-der-weir.

What A Lovely Film from Liam Grove on Vimeo.

We here at Planet Party Time are nationalists. That is to say we support our centrally located multinational corporations over those other guys with home offices across the pond(s). Obviously this makes us Xbox supporters in the console wars. If we were from Russia we would prefer the retro duo. If we were Japanese (or gay) maybe we would break for the PS3 (or the Wii) but we’re not, so we won’t. Call it pride, call it ignorance or even call it tact- we prefer the three hundred dollar Netflix player over all else.

Lately however we’ve noticed that the achievements on the console have gotten a bit out of hand and as the Xbox 360 becomes more and more collectively self aware we are finding the achievements to be a bit disturbing to say the least.

That said let us take a look at some of the Xbox 360’s lesser known and hard to get achievements……….

*Collectively tea-bag over 1000 players in Halo 3 Ranked matches.

* Complete 100% of Batman: Arkham Asylum in less than 24 hours.

* Kill over 100 teammates in a Call of Duty 4 team deathmatch.

* Get shot down in Tom Clancy’s HAWX over 9000 times to unlock this gem.

*Red-ring over 4 Xbox 360 home consoles.

* Draw or write anything game related in a ‘Burger King’ bathroom.

*Neglect your personal hygiene so long due to game play that friends and family have become concerned you are dying of AIDS.

* Also know as the ‘Smeagol’ achievement you will have to accumulate over a 3 years worth of game play and forget the taste of bread to unlock this bad-boy.

* Also know as the ‘born again virgin’ achievement you will have to stay on Xbox Live continually for over 6 months straight to unlock this one.

…….but don’t take our word for it. Ba-damp-DAMP!

Here’s to upstanding Christians like Scott Roeder, James W. von Brunn, Michael F. Griffith, Rev. Paul Jennings Hill, John Salvi, Eric Robert Rudolph, James Charles Kopp, Shelly Shannon, Donald Cooper, Peter James Knight and most specifically Anthony Powell (youtube userTony48219) You know what fuck it- let’s here it for all the yet to be named little angels responsible for the thousands of acts of violence inspired by the ‘Army of God’ at large. Let’s all Google them and check out thier uplifting spiritual message. This is a tribute to you guys from all of us normies over here in the world of sin and science. We hope you like it. We were going to send you a gift basket full of Chris Hitchen’s books, bull semen and antibiotics but we just weren’t sure if you’d like it.

We’ve gone to great lengths to bring you this information. In fact we have collectively lived through over twenty years of field experience observing the pixelated ninja. Sad to say we’ve lost more than a few friends and colleagues over the years to the inevitable seizure or snacky snack overdose but it was all in the name of good, clean science. Our only hope is that you will use this information for good- so that the pixelated ninja may continue to live free from the tyranny of the perverse corporate machine or the international collective of evil scientists.

How the fuck did we compile this information you say?! Well I’m glad you asked magic talking rectum- we took the most blatant and frankly purposefully idiotic common themes throughout the catalogue of the only Japanese export to grace the United States. That being the legendary toy of the late 60s and early 70s- the  ‘Super Dragon Action Science Make Go Box’ more commonly known as the ‘Nintendo Entertainment System’ by the less fun western consumer. Armed with these notes on common pixel ninja themes we then made our decisions of what would make the list based off which ones we could remember after we lost the notes on common pixel ninja themes.

Where is this list you say?!  Well to find it you will have to decipher a number of riddles each more challenging than the last…….damn it did you click the gif? Fuck. Well fine here’s the clickables for the lunchables.

More from the world of the disgruntled designer. For the full explanation see the attached *link.

Really too lazy to click a link? Fine here’s the copypasta:

“We here at Planet Party Time have a couple buddies that have been screwed severely by their bosses. In fact they haven’t been payed in months and of those that quit everyone of them never got their back pay. Normally we don’t like to get involved in such things unless we have an unavoidable opportunity to instigate a full on war. See the company in question believes it’s OK to stop paying their creative team. The creative team is responsible for compiling material for a web based year book for (some really awkward) eleventeen year olds. So now we being the kind third parties that we are have the pleasure of giving you “LoL Kids” a journey through the highlight reel of adolescence. Feel free to do with them as you will internet they belong to you now. A gift you could say…….and remember it’s all in good, clean, happy fun from some very unhappy pixel pushers.”

*none of these are photoshopped in any way shape or form.

Solarbabies (1986)

“Odd name for a skateball team ‘Solarbabies….”

No fucking shit. Works even better as a goddamn movie title.You can always tell you’re in the midst of a quality cinematic experience when the fate of the world rests on the axles of a fucking roller skater. Let alone a team of roller skaters with headlights.

And speaking of the creamy roller skating center of this film and it’s obvious similarity to ‘Rollerball’ there really is nothing original about this film at fucking all.

The music is all stolen from Beverly Hills Cop, the characters are all ripped off of the Burger King Kids Club and the dialogue at certain points is lifted straight from the Brian DePalma film,  ‘Casualties of War.”

Don’t believe me? I don’t give a shit cause I heard the guy that played “Metron” jacked off on your sister. BAMP motherfucker. Yeah “Rabbit” told me that shit at the ‘Five and Dime’ when we beat the shit out of ‘Jack and Diane.’

So the skating blows, the plot is hippie bullshit and three people died during the shooting of this film. Yet somehow the film lives.

Seriously, I had never heard of this film and last week it showed up in my mailbox wrapped in brown paper with a little bit of blood splatter on the inside cover. I thought it was going to be one of those local business coupon books and it wasn’t so I threw the DVD out in the street and walked inside. The next day it was back in my mailbox perfectly wrapped. Well I did what anyone would do when confronted with evil spirits and lit the package on fire an sure as shit the next day it was back again. From this I can only assume watching ‘Solarbabies’ is some kind of punishment for things I’ve done in the past and I can now say without a doubt I am very very sorry.

So where does this piece of shit take place you say…?

The future.

Not the internet, ipod, advanced technology future. No this is more the ‘let’s just cover everything we already have in plastic and neon’ future. The Schumacher future. An asshole’s version of Huxley where the waters of the wasteland are controlled solely by the evil E-Protectorate. Though they sound like a kind of hemorrhoid cream they’re actually  just Daft Punk clones ordered around by a gay nazi and Leona Helmsley.

And check out this guy…….

Basically he’s got to get this glowing bullshit back home to the moon before the sun rises.

If not everything turns magic……

….and the Solarbabies are sold into slavery.

If you like to know more about this film ask your father who will give you the talk about ‘Solarbabies’ when you’re ready but I’m not you’re fucking dad so don’t expect me to do it. Want a better closing? How about Doberman’s with flash lights strapped to their heads?

You ever notice people never say thank you anymore? At the grocery store, at home and places of worship more and more people are giving thank you the “f” you. Then when you least expect it some one pops out of the bushes and says it too much for all the wrong reasons. Well are motto at Planet Party Time is simple…and it works. It’s a little policy we learned from our Uncle back when we were kids. He says “never rob a bank, never say thanks to anybody in a suit and never turn down a free piece of ass.” He worked security for the Steve Winwood/ Keith Richard’s ‘Oceans of Fuck’ tour 1986 so you better believe he knows what the fuck he’s talking about.

So the next time you need to make a decision make that one because it’s the right one.

We here at Planet Party Time have a couple buddies that have been screwed severely by their bosses. In fact they haven’t been payed in months and of those that quit everyone of them never got their back pay. Normally we don’t like to get involved in such things unless we have an unavoidable opportunity to instigate a full on war. See the company in question believes it’s OK to stop paying their creative team. The creative team is responsible for compiling material for a web based year book for (some really awkward) eleventeen year olds. So now we being the kind third parties that we are have the pleasure of giving you “LOL Kids” a journey through the highlight reel of adolescence. Feel free to do with them as you will internet they belong to you now. A gift you could say…….and remember it’s all in good, clean, happy fun from some very unhappy pixel pushers.

*none of these are photoshopped in any way shape or form.